Locksmithing and Security

“Do you, uh, pick locks?” “Yes.”

“You don’t damage them or nothing?” “That’s right.”

“Could you come and let me into my flat on XXXington Road?” “Almost certainly. What number flat is it?”

” [long silence]  It’s the one at the back.” “I see. Will you have ID on you?”

“Well, I can find a letter.” “Right. Are you there now?”

“Well, no. But I’m only a couple of miles away. You could give me a call and I’ll nip around.”

“Oh, dear. How unlucky is that? I’ve just dropped my van keys down a drain. I won’t be able to attend after all.”

In the past, I’ve phoned the police and asked if they’d like to attend very suspicious jobs with me. Sadly they don’t take up the offer. Even more sadly, Chris will find a locksmith who will let him in.

(Chris the Crafty Cockney was a character in The Fast Show (UK TV, 1994 to 1997) who was completely up front about knicking anything.)

I spent 20 minutes yesterday trying to figure out why on earth a sliding patio door wouldn’t lock in the closed position yet operated perfectly well in the open position. Well of course, we go through this half-a-dozen times a week at spring time and winter time: the door heats up or cools down and the bolts, etc. no longer want to enter their keeps.

However, I’d tried every keep and they were all in the perfect position. So I tried it one more time and this time I stood outside. The handle had been fitted 90 degrees out and was fouling the frame. Doh!

We have just decided that we are no longer accepting jobs from a certain area of Putney in south-west London. There are so many barriers and “no entry”s, that unless you have a specialist map you cannot get to a significant proportion of the residents. And, of course, your customer is necessarily always going to be included in that percentage. And of course that map isn’t available to tradespeople.

I have a brother-in-law who is a topologist—I really do—and he agrees that there are certain streets that you cannot reach, and one street where if you do manage to get to it, you can never leave again. (Topology is the branch of mathematics which says a teacup is the same as a doughnut, which can prove the hairy ball theorem—that you can’t comb down the hairs of a hairy ball without creating a cowlick—and which probably started with the proof, long ago, that there was no promenade that would take a walker over each and every one of the seven bridges of Königsberg just once.)

The jaw-dropping antics of the marketeers know no bounds. Sainsburys have for sale in their stores–roll of drums–digital microwave ovens. Hmm. Cooking your food via a stream of numeric values. Interesting. And there was silly old me thinking that microwaves pretty much had to be, well, waves–elecromagnetic waves.

Perhaps, however, Sainsburys’ promotions department are aware of the dual nature of electromagnetic radiation and of quantum theory. They are proposing that ultimately microwaves are not continuous but quantized, and are therefore not zillions of light-years off the mark in using the term digital, only a mile or two off the mark.

Or, Avoiding Being Ripped Off, Part 2

If you look in the Yellow Pages (and in other places) for a locksmith (or plumber, etc.) you will find a whole bunch of large adverts at the front of the section. These are the adverts of the “nationals”. Think about how much money they’ve spent on those adverts all over the country: how are they going to recoup that money? From you.

Ask yourself if they are going to employ a large workforce of locksmiths ready to get to anywhere in the country in a reasonably short time. No they’re not. In fact they’re not going to employ any locksmiths (or plumbers, etc.) at all. They will either be franchises or they will be call centres. And in the case of locksmiths they won’t be franchises, they’ll be call centres. Ask yourself how they’re going to recoup the cost of the call centre. From you.

These national call centres are simply going to farm the work out to their list of local locksmiths. And that will be a local locksmiths only if you’re lucky; it could very well be the nearest botcher with a nothing but a drill if you’re unlucky. The “nationals” themselves won’t be at all unhappy if “their” locksmiths tend to drill everything as it increases their margin. Some nationals, although not all thank goodness, even get cross when locksmiths pick locks open to resolve lockouts and lock sales are lost.

So why take pot luck on which local tradesperson or botcher is called? Why pay a margin to a call centre? Call a local locksmith directly yourself.

How can you tell they’re local? Look at the phone number. Or if it’s an 0800 number look at the fax number. If you’re considering a locksmith that appears to be called FastLocks (Battersea) but the telephone numbers are Leicester or 087… numbers you could be forgiven for suspecting they’re not really based in Battersea.

I was installing a safe. It was medium sized. That means it weighed in at around 300 kg. Now I hadn’t carried it upstairs. I don’t move safes. That’s a very specialized job. Several safe engineers are missing toes or even entire feet through not realizing this. I was bolting the thing down and changing its combination away from the manufacturer’s default combination.

The new owner was fretting that the floor wasn’t strong enough. It’s a valid consideration but think about it, I said. What about a group hug? Well I confess of course that I didn’t really want to get all that intimate with four stockbrokers I’d only just met. I was merely pointing out that four people standing together on a metre square area of floor weren’t about to go crashing through to the floor below. Although it should be said that this was London and not Memphis.

Talking of standing together, what kind of floor space would the entire population of the world require if we all stood shoulder to shoulder? When I was born we could all have fitted on the Isle of Wight, a small island off the south coast of England. We couldn’t quite manage it now. I deny any responsibility of course.

And talking of safes, if you’ve ever bought one, you were told I hope that they are often delivered with the same, standard, manufacturer’s combination. If all the numbers of your safe’s combination are divisible by ten (or even by five) you might want to change the combination or get us to do it for you.

For the first time in at least three years, someone actually asked me what I was doing.

A letting agent had given me a key to an empty property and asked me to change the lock. It’s suprising how often we’re asked to change a lock without being told that there’s also a problem with getting in.

When someone telephones wanting a lock changing, I usually ask whether it’s because the lock has stopped working or because the key has been compromised. Sometimes the reply, perhaps in an are-you-daft tone of voice, is “Well neither. I want you to change the lock because I’m locked out!” It’s kind of nice that we’re seen as some kind of magician but mostly it’s frustrating.

This time I’d forgotten to ask. Knowing the agent, I’d assumed that a change of tenant had necessitated a change of key. However, the key for the top lock wasn’t opening the lock despite the usual repetoire of jiggles and imprecations. I rang the agent and got confirmation that, yes the top lock has been getting trickier and trickier, and yes, there are therefore two reasons we’d like you to change it. So having mentally reviewed that my legal ass was covered, I took up the tools, assumed the posture, and nealy jumped out of my skin when a voice spake unto me, “What are you up to then, sonny?”

Sonny!  That made my day. I’m only a few years from a free bus pass myself, but this guy was ninety if he was a day. And wearing slippers, which presumably was why I hadn’t heard his approach.

I thanked him for his vigilence. And meant it. Three years of acting suspiciously had gone by since the last time I was challenged. I suggested he telephone the number on the To Let board and (fingers crossed) get confirmation that I was angel rather than demon.