Well someone in the family lost their keys and I went to change the cylinder. (Which we can do for you of course. And maybe for less than you think. If anyone tells you you’ll need a new lock, say no and come to us. We’ll change the cylinder or the levers at a third of the price.)

Ever since we’ve moved in, I’ve vaguely noted the locks weren’t that well fitted. It’s always a fiddly business, lining up the cylinder with the lock but this just wouldn’t have it. I squinted through the hole and saw that the lock backplate was miles off centre. The backset (distance from door edge to cylinder centre) turned out to be 35 mm for a 40 mm backset Yale #2 lock. It’s a miracle (and a thick door) that the original cylinder ever worked at all. There was no way the cylinder I wanted to put in was going to work. (I wanted to re-pin the handle so that the inside key and the outside key were the same once again. So that meant fitting a cylinder that was the 6-pin version of the inside keyway. And it meant I could use an accidental purchase that had been hanging around in stock for months.)

There was nothing for. I would have to move the cylinder. Out came the trusty old curtain pole which is my source of 32 mm wooden dowel and I plugged the old hole. I decided to sort another couple of things out at the same time. The cylinder lock had originally been fitted at waist height whereas it would normally be at a thirteen-year-old’s eye height. And they’d wasted the only place in the door that would take a large mortice lock, on this poorly-fitted cylinder lock. And I wanted for various reasons to fit a particular mortice lock that was a little on the large size. So here was my opportunity to free up the space. So the cylinder lock went back in a foot higher.

Then I set to fitting my mortice lock. And the troubles began. Normally I use a magnet before fitting a customer’s lock in case there are any lumps of steel in the door that are going to break my mortice cutter. But as I was constrained to fit my new lock in exactly one position I didn’t bother with the magnet. And, yes, there was an enormous steel noggin just protruding into the mortice cavity. I sorted that out and then went to fit the equally enormous keep box to the frame. I couldn’t believe it but there was another enormous lump of metal in the way!

I’ve never encountered a customer’s door that was so much trouble and long may that continue.